i dedicated my morning wood to you.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
