I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
