He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
