On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
