I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
