This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
