Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
