before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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