he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Randomize
