Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Randomize
