looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
