i think i have two assholes
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
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