Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
