from now on my penis is your penis
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I want to fling myself into the sun
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
