my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
