I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
