I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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