Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
