it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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