I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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