have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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