im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
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I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
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