I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
