thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
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