Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
