i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
