Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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