Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
29 Times Beach Sex Ended With Sand In All The Wrong Places
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.