If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
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