I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
