I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
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