you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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