every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
