If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
3pm strippers are depressing
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
