genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
