Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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