I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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