If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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