I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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