Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
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I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
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Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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