I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
This is my gift to your gina
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Randomize
