I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
