I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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