The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
