I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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