either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
