Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
