porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Randomize
