I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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