I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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