just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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