craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
