Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
