plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
