He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
It's official drugs can't kill me
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
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