I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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