checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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