About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
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