I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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